Our story., Random, Shanes story.

Christmas 2012

Santa 2Merry Christmas.

This Christmas blog is another of my ‘mad mother’ ramblings and done particularly with Shane’s friends and family in mind.

For those of you who think of us, feel sorry for us, and are there for us; I know that my obsession with  corrupt Lundbeck and ‘dodgy’ psychiatrists, must make it seem like we live a miserable existence. That is sometimes true but not always, and increasingly, some days are happy days. I love my son as much as I have always loved him; that’s it, nothing to add to that. Thank goodness for my ‘mad’ family, who (never a family to pussyfoot around the elephant in the room), tell it like it is, whether we like it or not, and keep us grounded.

Stuff that makes me happy…

Christmas 2012

This year is the third year without Shane. The fourth Christmas where we don’t have to wait for him to come home from handing out dinners to the homeless of Dublin. Instead we are jumping into the freezing cold Irish waters doing a charity swim in his honour (actually, if he was here now, I’d strangle him myself!). The feeling of dread which now accompanies the word ‘Christmas’, is not because Shane is not around but because it reminds me Santa 1that I have to do ‘that’ swim. I can imagine him laughing at us while we struggle to get the courage to jump in and then struggle to get dressed, with fingers and toes blue and numb from the cold. Even his poor granny braves the freezing Irish seas in honour of her much loved grandchild. His grandad, although he loved him just as much, will have the blazing fire lit and sausages on the pan, but will claim a dicky heart once a year (on Christmas day). His uncles, aunts, cousins, along with his younger brothers, will all brave the freezing waters on Christmas day in remembrance of Shane. Tony uses the excuse that he wouldn’t want to embarrass himself with an inflatable ring…HA!

We are/were Christmas lovers, from the gaudy decorations, the multiple tacky santas and the funny presents; Christmas could never come soon enough! I will always miss the ‘Mac’ lipstick and my yearly notebook from Shane, but wherever he is, I’m quite sure he’s okay. Maybe there is no reason for that feeling but it’s there all the same. He appears to me in my dreams, the same Shane, always laughing, and probably as per usual, not with me but at me. That makes me happy. I will even miss him waking the younger ones up at 2 AM, because he was more excited than they were!


We went to see Santa in Bridgewater and I couldn’t believe it; he wasn’t an impersonator but was the real Santa. Henry and Lucy were fascinated, he gave them lots of time and assured them that their presents were already in his sack. He said he used to live near Redcross (where we live) and named lots of  people Santa 3that they both knew. This, of course, must have been before he emigrated to the North Pole.

Liam, their older brother, came with us because the two smaller ones insisted, so he stood at the sideline, hoping nobody he knew would spot him at Santa. Well, Lucy (5) decided to tell Santa that Liam had said a ‘bold word’ when we were in Berlin. Santa was not impressed and told Liam so! He wagged his finger and told him he was putting him in his ‘naughty boy’ notebook. It was good to see Liam going purple while we all laughed, including the crowd in the ‘very large’ queue. Shane would have loved it, in particular Liam’s discomfort!

That was a good day.

Santa still has the power to make me happy!

6 thoughts on “Christmas 2012”

  1. im jason edwards sister in law.this is our 3rd christmas without jason,as time goes the harder it gets i feel.! i hope to one day speak about him with a smile and not burst into tears.i read your blogs every time,we also want to do something in memory of him,but excepting what has happened through doctors in capable mind its hard. best wishes to you and your family


    1. Awh, you will never forget Jason and never get over the injustice of it all, just like us. Accepting that Shane is not with us is not the same as accepting what has happened due to doctor’s ignorance and drug company corruption. We will never give up and it’s not over by a long shot! Shane and Jason deserved so much more than the hand they were dealt.

      As it is, I live in cuckoo land. Tony had to remind me it’s actually the 4th Christmas without Shane. I hope Jason’s daughters, his wife and his family have a good Christmas, just as he would want. I will be thinking of him too this Christmas.



  2. There is good reason for you feeling Shane is okay Leonie. The connection you have with him is alive and well in your heart; those feelings are real. Happy Christmas to you and yours.


  3. Leonie,

    As you know, I’ve never suffered such a loss. Okay, I still feel heartache at losing my mom, which is so much stronger at Christmas time. My lovely dog, Benn, too.

    Living with Maria I get just a small insight into what it must feel like to lose a child. I, like many others, can ‘switch off’ because the experience of losing a child is not something I have ever had to deal with.

    I do, however, feel pain for Maria, your family, the Carlin’s, the Gatchell’s, especially at this time of year.

    Each and everyone of all of the above will be in my heart this Christmas as will Toran, Shane, Sara and Sharise.

    Keep doing what you are doing, You, just like Maria, are effective and very good at what you both do. Collectively we all know the truth and that truth is slowly but surely being rolled out at the expense of personal pain from the grief that all of the above endure.

    I salute you all.

    PS – The water is warmer here in NZ but the idea of seeing Tony in Speedos kinda puts me off my turkey and stuffing.


    1. Thanks Bobby,

      Your support has been amazing and I can’t wait to see you both in NZ. I have just read Maria’s blog. Fantastic and tragic at the same time. Mylan could have saved her so much pain. Yet they chose to treat her like a ‘mad bereaved’ mother who should know better? http://www.madinamerica.com/2012/12/mylan-pharmaceuticals-admit-their-drug-is-the-probable-cause-of-my-sons-suicide/

      Prozac killed Toran, you know it, I know it and Mylan knows it! The fact that they have only admitted it years after the event is very telling. Good on Maria, RIP Toran.


      PS. On an entirely different note, my lovely husband looks like Hasselhoff in his speedos. I had a bit of a thing for knight rider!!


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