The non-pursuit of happiness.

Happy womanThe non-pursuit of happiness. “Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open” John Barrymore.

There you have it, just when I least expect it, it creeps in (uninvited I might add) and smacks me round my gobsmacked gob!

Today was the usual run of the mill day; there I was, for once minding my own business, standing in the kitchen after collecting the kids from school, when it happened. Lucy was rabbiting on about planting her acorn tree in the garden, Henry was doing his usual worrying about his maths homework, when there it was; I realised I was happy, or maybe content is a better description. You could have knocked me down with a feather. Four years and one month since my lovely son died and I was just resigning myself to looking at my miserable face staring back at me from the bathroom mirror, when today my heart felt ‘not quite’ so heavy. Do you know how mind-numbingly boring it is being miserable?

I knew it was coming of course; I tried hard to ignore it, I’m not bloody ready, but lately the sadness was lifting whether I liked it or not. This, of course doesn’t mean that I won’t cry in Tescos or embarrass myself at the motor tax counter ever again, but the endless need to fight Lundbeck, the corrupt medical system and even more corrupt Irish psychiatry was being overridden by walks on the beach, feeding the ducks or teaching the kids how to ride a bike (a seemingly impossible task). It doesn’t make me less sad about the way my son died or the fact that he caused the death of an innocent young man, some things can never be unseen or unheard unfortunately, but I’ve resigned myself to it and understand the circumstances.

I certainly won’t be letting Lundbeck off anytime soon (actually not ever) as my son deserved so much better. I wonder sometimes if Ulf Wiinberg (CEO of1111 Lundbeck) sleeps well at night? Probably, but you can bet your bottom dollar that Shane’s face and all the other victim’s faces must make the odd appearance in the pharmaceutical cesspit that lurks in the furthest recesses of his mind. That reminds me, a new book by Peter Gøtzsche ‘Deadly Medicines and Organised Crime: How big pharma has corrupted healthcare‘ has recently been published. Chapter two is freely available here and deals with SSRI induced suicide. If you can’t face reading the whole chapter, then pages 224-229 deal with Lundbeck corruption which you might find interesting.

Lundbeck’s latest symposium is happening soon in Monaco (November). I see that Professor Tim Dinan from UCC Cork is making an appearance, although the European Medicines Agency assured me that Professor Dinan will not receive any honorarium for his trip to Monaco or any of the other Lundbeck sponsored symposia that I brought to their attention; so no worries on the ‘independence’ of their scientific advisors there. Phew, that’s such a relief!

Anyway, getting back to my original point, somehow I feel that this shift in mood would make Shane the happiest of all. Now I think the ducks are waiting for me.

One thought on “The non-pursuit of happiness.

  1. Learning to live with your pain, and finding ways to survive does not mean ever quitting to fight the good fight…You never will….EVER… Can’t. You’ll simply change gears..the 5th burns too intensely for the fuel to last… It simply means that one cannot possibly physically be permanently miserable and survive it. It’s a scientific fact. It kills..You’ll be of no use to anybody, least of all your young kids six foot under…there is a responsibilty to those that are on this side too..and you’re absolutely right! Our kids can’t be happy or peaceful until we are…their suffering is prolonged by observing and experiencing our misery…they deserve better. Love and big hugs! xxxx

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